nccotus

Once upon a time I could nest loops in a computer program in the most impossible way. And my analytic logic against abortion in a moral philosophy course in my last Semester all but justified my stay at Harvard. But I lacked passion. I had a heart but nothing really moved me. Broken pud.

Slowly, with one thing after another, over the years, my mental powers diminished over the years. It is said that mathematicians and philosophers do their best work in their early years, like, their 20’s.

The recent incident of serious harm, the beating and the body bag, seriously decimated me. But I am now proved off of the Lamictal overdose in 2016. I still don’t know what to think about that. It changed my character. I was always so embarrassed over the silly wrist-cutting in ‘83, all I could do was scratch my wrists a little. It was psychologically profound, the humiliation and the embarrassment. And the damage was not minor. I cut into the nerves and loused up my system. But it was obvious what a silly child I was.

I always knew not to OD on a seizure med. And then to do that. To really mean it. It was awful. The Lamictal overdose in 2016. I was falling all over the place and vomitting. It went on for hours before I finally passed out. Then, I wanted to live. I was trying to call 911 but my cell phone was dead. I couldn’t find the charger. Then, I passed out.

The doctor in the ICU asked why I did it and I said it was to get help and I was treated so well. But, I was all but gone. I have been lingering since then. I think that I am finally getting off of that table in the ICU now.

The beating and the body bag took me to a place I needed to be to get Human Knowledge that I lacked. To get me out of my head and back on my feet for all those things that had me in so much pain. The solution to the childhood and later OD on reading.

I can connect my head and thoughts and body parts now and move through things with a new facility and self-assurance that has been gradually developing as a new medicine for depression and OCD has been working a miracle. I am versatile and conversational in a way that wasn’t possible before.

So, that’s it for now. People improve with age.