nccotus

about the mole-wart person that I was.

I was managing a bizarre condition that morphed over time. For a long time I was literally paralyzed with spasms leading to shooting pains in my head that I automatically unconsciously tried to control through my mental OCD. Recently I called it my “OCD sciatica” as my nerves on the right side of my back and in my right hip and right leg got irritated over time in several ways.

I was diagnosed with partial complex seizures 3 decades ago, in Texas, but couldn’t follow up on it because we had to leave town. So, in So. Cali, I was studying my likely seizures on my own in a way that led to a horrifying condition.

Obviously, this was about the abortions. Then, I was pregnant. After two horrible abortions (and one I didn’t know about as I had been so severely blocked), I couldn’t possibly do that again. i would never be able to have another baby! I was thinking of giving him up for adoption! But nobody would permit that. Ian wouldn’t have lived in anybody else’s care.

It all passed through the Lord’s hands.

Even the malpractice at Hopkins. But it was still malpractice.

So, I became a contraption; as I said to my caseworker yesterday on the way to the doctor’s office.

It started in Perris, in CA, in the early 90’s, when I had to force myself through my paralytic state to wash dishes, make dinner, do laundry, et cetera. I began to appear aggressive. I was hurling out horrible insults to stop the agonizing tension in my brain. That started even before I met my husband. When I was smoking in my mother’s garage. Later, in Florida, it was numbers. I was shooting out random numbers from 1 to a million 3 hundred sixty 4. To control myself in my mind. From mental pain and stress. It was quite bizarre. But the Lord covers over sin.

More recently, I talk myself through things to avoid startle responses that result in painful spasms that could trigger a seizure-like event. It happened last week in the worst way; it lasted for two days.

So, before, I couldn’t talk about any of this. Now, I finally have!

There is healing from abortion and MH abuse. But it is a horrendous trail.