nccotus

Some things that still need to be worked out.

Mainly, the abortions.

I’m pretty sure I had one when I was 13, but some things about that don’t make sense.  I don’t remember anything about it.  I just remember really bad feelings about being at the beach.  I thought I had it all figured out that it was my father, not my brother, but now I’m not sure again.  I do know that it did happen.  Because of how I felt when I drove the boat up onto the mudflats.  Everyone was looking at me in a way I do now understand.  I was pregnant.

And so ashamed.

So, that makes 3 abortions, which is too many.  

Prohect Rachel deems that the second abortion is a compensatory pregnancy and the third pregnancy becomes the atonement child.  So, it all was hunky dorey that Ian was the atonement child, until I realized about the abortion at 13 really happening.  I just realized something else, which totally resolves this.  If the baby in Allentown in February 1990 was already dead because I was so ill and smoking and drinking coffee and alcohol and taking Class C medications, then it wasn’t an abortion, it was a DNC to remove dead fetal matter.  I remember how ill I felt when you went to interview at in Ohio and I was sitting alone in the motel room.  We went to walk in the woods.  Even if the child was still living but gravely sick and dying it was different from a common abortion. Which was probably the case.  

Then, there was Jasmine, the first child in Perris, who stayed in my belly until I got here. 32 years later. For real.  I lost some physical part of her here 6 or 7 weeks ago and am now fully in recovery.

There was this weird “dissolving” feeling months after the attempted abortion when I was 4 months pregnant with Ian. When I was driving around in Fallbrook.  The same thing had happened in Texas, obviously because of the first loss.  I call that child Alexander Texas (the one in Allentown).  That feeling was very frightening at the time because I did not know what it was about.  I thought it was part of my own illness.  The second time, I was worried for Ian.

It is unclear to me whether Alexander Texas would be the compensatory pregnancy anyway.

I don’t know, some women have only one abortion or only two and I’m sure there are women who have had 5.  Project Rachel isn’t perfect in this regard. Surrender the Secret offers some complementary perspectives.

So, I needed to review all of this as I prepare to see my doctor tomorrow.  It has all been such an urgent health matter across all aspects of medical treatment.  I had the sense to email you instead of hitting my blog.  I assume that you do take an interest.  I remember you talking about abortions in your life before you met me. Abortion is such a horrible plague.  Premarital sex is a serious problem in the United States.

I wish you well and hope you are doing okay.

Love