nccotus

As a young woman of about 15 I was trying to BE Jesus. Although I was attending a church school I had little religious instruction. i skipped church on Sundays and when I did attend I was too confused and intimidated by the boys to connect to what the pastor was saying. At home on vacation, I watched the movie version of Godspell on the t.v. in the basement of the house in New Providence and was so compelled by it. After graduation, I was a chorus member in a local production of Jesus Christ Superstar. It just happened to be there.

So, when I graduated from college and got a job as a computer programmer, my boss commented that I had tremendous faith in myself. i did not understand at the time what he was trying to tell me. I do now know. i did not have the Lord in a conscious way in real life. I saw that He is beautiful and good but did not know how to receive Him. I was trying to do it for myself.

Recently I have been identifying myself as the “wart-mole person.” I had a small but evil growth to the left of my nose that gave me pain and distress in an unconscious way. I was also kneed in the crotch by my brother at about age (?) 5, 6, 7 (?)–I don’t remember now. But, between these things I was quite handicapped; and nobody understood.

Recently, the wart-mole was taken off my face; also, I have been taking a medication called Luvox for Major Depression and OCD and the change is unbelievable. I am versatile and conversational and feel like a normal human being for the first time in my life. I was used to me as I used to be; now, instead, I am happy!

There was a block to my religious faith in my old condition. I had God but not Jesus. I connected with God in the clouds! Majestic cloud mountains in the sky, storm clouds, especially when I was driving my car.

But, throughout my life I was unable to attend church because of my dysfunctionality. Now, although I am feeling better, I am an old invalid and have noone to attend with me.

The other thing that troubled my faith and made sense of all this was the Jew in my by matrilineal descent. Obviously it led me to God but not Jesus. I was built to suffer persecution as a Jew through anti-Semitism even as a Christian in a way that bewildered me at the time. i am also anglo saxon and celtic. But I know now that I look Jewish.

EVERYONE hassles Jews. Even cats do. I mean this. my cats used to gang up on me and be naughty. (Cats have souls. God told me so. They are special.)